Miscellany and Musings

 After I took Joey to school I came home and went back to bed, per the usual when I'm not working. Dreamed I was living in a really big house with the cast of the Trailer Park Boys (WTF seriously omg why). If you're not familiar, it's a way too real depiction of an average day in a trailer park. This takes place in Canada but it literally could be in any place because my dad lived in one JUST LIKE IT. Anyway, the 3 main characters are best friends since childhood, one is an orphaned guy with coke bottle thick glasses who lives in a shed with all the park cats and makes a living salvaging broken shopping carts. He's not mentally retarded or anything but he kinda looks it because of the glasses, he's actually pretty smart and level headed. Then there's Ricky, a foul mouthed, trigger happy, dope growing genius (but pretty stupid apart from growing dope). Very nice guy though if you're nice to him. Then there's Julian, a tall dark beefcake kinda guy who is all the time coming up with schemes to make big money quick and retire, which of course always involve the help of the other two.

ANYWAY.

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I haven't had a really memorable dream like that since starting the Zoloft. Pretty cool.

Strange dreams last night. The first was about our neighbors across the street moving out, but they had also started taking some of our stuff with them. It was dark and in the middle of the night, and for some reason, we were in the house I grew up in not the house I live in now. I woke Walt up and was yelling at him about why were these people taking our stuff and he started apologizing. I didn't think he sounded sincere so I gathered up our children (2 boys and a girl) and left. Yesterday the people across the street were packing up U-Hauls and stuff. It's a mother and son, mom lives on the left and is selling the house, son is on the right and is my Redneck Neighbor.  They were packing all day and all night this big ole truck and then around 2 am they got drunk and started cussing as loud as they could at one another. At least I have an explanation for this one lol.

The next dream was about InuYasha. There was some kind of huge demon (insipired by this image of the new Pete's Dragon dragon...) that Miroku needed to destroy, but as long as he had this one picture of Sango it wasnt going to happen (It was a picture of Sango in a very cartoonish style, and she kinda looked like Leelah from Futurama- she had one big eye and was dressed in her traveling kimono with Hiraikotsu on her back). So He had this giant sword kinda like a transformed Tessaiga that he had to find in these stone catacombs.  Rin and Jaken were there in hiding and she's the one who tells him how to get to the demon.  When he gets to where he needs to be, he is met by a human looking demon who says Miroku has to defeat him first before he can go to the big bad monster demon.  Every attack Miroku makes is countered, and with every failing attack, the sword gets smaller until its the size of a knife, and the human demon ends up taking Miroku's eyeballs at the end.  He somehow makes it back to the catacombs and Rin explains to him that he has to let Sango go forever in order to win, and that this wierd cosplay pic of her is the one he needs to discard. Well, he pulls out a bunch of pictures of her and none of them are the one in question, so he gives up another pic thinking that will change things. I woke up before it could finish.  Before I could fall back asleep I seriously thought I was having a heart attack but turns out it was jsut panic starting up.  Made myself go back to sleep so I could try to sleep it off.

Also a dream about Vic Mignogna becoming governor of Kentucky. Woke up in an absolute panic. Trying to get more rest just wanted to be sure I got this down first.

Last dream I remember was being with my granny and her mom (my granny is actually my step-granny and she's only about 4 years older than my dad, so I got to know her mom really well as a child, though she has since passed on). Granny's house is always the best- it is always beautiful, it always smells nice, the layout is good- everything is awesome.  Well the house still looked the same, but there were more rooms than before, so I'm looking at these new rooms (lots of oak paneling with wainscotting and moulding, beautiful crystal chandeliers, and houseplants EVERYWHERE). As I'm looking around, I realize Granny's having a luncheon for some older ladies (she's a hairdresser by trade, elderly women are her clientele) and outta nowhere Vic Mignogna shows up, helping to serve plates to all these women.  Of course they don't know who he is, they just think he's a handsome gentleman helping out for the afternoon, and I get him aside and ask him what he's doing there and he says he's decided to run for governor because ours sucks so bad.  And he's very charming to the women and telling jokes and being a schmooze- because he's fundraising at the same time.

Then I woke up in a full blown panic attack, and I'm still on edge now, even hours later.  I think being with my nephews yesterday did it because they never listen and the one forgot his ADD medicine and omg that child makes me want to scream when he's like that.  Also, I have another weird headache (likely allergies...) that set it all off, well- that and the heart flutters.  There's an animation in InuYasha that PERFECTLY depicts the feeling I get when I have a heart symptom of panic. If I find a clip of it I will post it.

Sleeping isn't even a respite anymore because I've been having horrible nightmares.  I stay keyed up and anxious all day, then panic in my sleep and have these dreams that make me afraid to sleep.  I've had more hallucinations than I've ever had before just in the past two days.  I can't wait to see the psychiatrist on Tuesday. I definitely need medication, but Exapro was not the right medicine obviously.

Let's talk about these dreams for a sec. I can't remember any of the ones before last night, just that I woke up in a cold sweat around 4am and felt like crying.  Last night I dreamed that my son was sexually molesting me and my husband was filming it and selling it to people in China.  Woke up at 4:30 (5:30 with the time change) and burst into tears because when I opened my eyes I could see spiders on the ceiling again and the weird after images that didn't make sense. There was a circuit board and more fingerprints, the other night it looked like christmas lights on the ceiling and the walls.  I was also hearing things again, and this time it wasn't just in my bedroom, I was out in the kitchen. I thought I heard the cat jump up onto the island thing but when I looked no one was there with me at all, not even any dogs.  For a split second, I actually believed I was dead.

Even though I was afraid to go back to sleep, I was so tired because I'd stayed up so late avoiding going to bed.  I went back to the bedroom and laid down and fell asleep almost instantly.  These dreams were worse.  I was burying my best friend from grade school.  He's divorced and his parents are both gone and his brother's stationed overseas somewhere, so I had to take care of funeral arangements.  My son's godmother comes to the service and ends up taking everyone hostage, firing guns and shit at everyone and was asking someone to go and get her something from the office and no one would get hurt.  So I go down there trying to get whatever it was she wanted and trying to discreetly tell the staff what the hell is going on without actually saying it because I thought she had followed me.

When I woke up I finally gave in and cried.  My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to die still.  The spiders were still on the ceiling but as the room lightened from the sun coming up, they disappeared.  No one was up and I just kept crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

This is just the sleep thing.  This isn't even counting the weird headaches that don't actually hurt much, or the weird dizziness that comes and goes.  Sometimes Walt looks at me like he understands what I'm going through, but then he does nothing to comfort me.  This morning I really could have used a cuddle from someone.  I didn't get even a pat on the back all morning before he went to bed.

Part of me thinks this might be hormonal. My mom went through menopause early (42) and she told me she started having issues in her late 30's.  I'm 35 so maybe that's what's happening here.  I feel so isolated and alone, even living in a house full of people.

Hey, did I tell you about the time I woke up from a nightmare and went to the bathroom and the cat followed me in there?  I was convinced at the time that aliens had to be fucking with my head, because those after images, like when you stare at something for a while and you look away you can see the negative of it? Like stare at a white piece of paper and then look away at a blank wall and you'll see a dark spot.  I thought the after images I was seeing were of my alien captors who'd been experimenting on me and my brain.  And everytime I wake up thinking I've been abducted by aliens, the cat is right there by me.  I was convinced that the cat was a spy and telegraphing my actions back to the mothership.  For a brief scary minute, I thought about strangling him.  The rational side of my consciousness was screaming at me to snap out of it but the crazy half was validating everything for me.  I cried then too.  There were spiders on the ceiling then as well.

Help.

I had a nigthmare so terrible that when I wole up I thought I'd been abducted by aliens.  First, let me start with the dream.

I dream a lot about tornados. Usually it's because something's super stressing me out, and always always always they take place at my childhood home with my mom, dad or sister with me.  Anyway, I was trying to gather up all the animals that belonged to me out of the yard because I knew it was going to storm and I wanted to protect the dogs and cats.  My mom was helping me some as the clouds were rolling in, and things were okay, but there was an undercurrent of urgency to the whole thing.  All at once I see an almost jet black cloud looming on the horizon, like pretty damn close, maybe 1-2 blocks away, and it's churning in seven or eight places.  I yell at my mom that it's some kind of super tornado, bigger than anything I've seen before, and the little churning circles start grouping up into one giant circle.  Just then, I hear baby kittens mewling and I find them in the flower boxes by the sidewalk and I scramble out the door to save them and when I get back mom and I try to shut the door but it won't shut all the way, like there's a 8 inch gap between the edge of the door and the jamb, like the hinges got moved or something, and this tornado is coming right in the front door and it's starting to suck us off the floor and the kittens went flying out that gap SCREAMING-

When I woke up, I was shaking with fear.  You know that fealing you get in your chest when you're terrified? I had that feeling all over my body. Everything was trembling, I was scared all the way down to my toes (yet I wasn't having a panic attack, I was calm and collected mentally...)  I didn't want to open my eyes.  When I did and saw my room safely around me, I finally felt that fear begin to dissipate.  And then something else happened.

You know how when you look at something for a long time and then you close your eyes and you can still see it, jsut in negative?  When I closed my eyes again, I saw some very fractal imaages that looked nothing I have in my room.  It was like circles in loopy mathematical patterns, it felt very organic to me... Maybe I should put some sketches with this post just to show you what I saw.  Anyway, for a good five minutes or more, I lay in bed thinking 'Did I get abducted by aliens? Were they testing something on me?"  Because I have never been that frightened by a dream ever, I thoguht maybe they'd given me some kind of hallucinegen to study the effects, and I thought the sights behind my eyes were of the ceiling of the spaceship.

Now look- I do believe there is other life in this universe, it's arrogant to think humans are the only thing out there capabable of space travel and exploration when we live in a massive universe.  But do I think they are beaming people aboard their ships and experimenting with them? no.  But I have to admit, after last night I have 2 questions: why was I SO completely terrified, and what was I seeing behind my eyelids?  Who knows... (the Shadow knows!)

Work sucks and that's the truth. I came home early yesterday because of sinus infection and STILL DEALING WITH MY LEFT GODDAMNED EYE.  They don't care.  Stare at the glaring bright screen for ten hours please.  Oh, and let's open all the blinds and turn all the bright lights on too.  Oh, you're light sensitive today?  Won't stop you from answering a phone.  Can't see the screen because of all the brightness?  Here let me turn the monitor down for you, oh and wear your sunglasses.  What do you mean you can't wear your script lenses and your sunglasses at the same time?  I'm not gonna quit, they'll have to fire me, but I've got back up plans in case that happens.  (Likely, this is the reason I had the tornado dream in the first place)

I had been taken from my current job to one of the Walmarts that had been closed in the south west 'due to plumbing issues'. I don't know if you guys are in the know on that, but there were 4-5 Walmarts closed all saying there were major plumbing problems that required all of them to close, yet none of them have applied for plumbing permits, are all surrounded by cop cars and have military vehicles around the back side of them...  Might want to google "Walmart Jade Helm".  ANYWAY- I'd been taken to one of these walmarts and told to stock shelves, which didn't make sense because they were not opening the store for quite a while.  There were guards wearing baseball jerseys and carrying AK47s, we were told not to talk to one another, and whatever we did, not to look over the wall that separated us from the other side of the store.  Of course I'm going to look over the goddamned wall (which was just a really tall shelving wall and not very sturdy).

On the other side of the wall were hundreds of people, wrapped in shipping wrap like when a pallet comes in with that shrink wrap around it.  They were walking in this kind of line, and at the end of it were about 10 guards, in away baseball uniforms, and whatever they were asking the people was what made it so they lived or died.  The right answer meant the plastic wrap was cut off, the wrong answer meant a slit throat and getting tossed on the mountain of bodies behind the handfull of baseball soldiers.

The guy with the AK47 nudged me with the barrel and was like, "Get back to work, I don't want to make an example out of you."  So I remember being scared out of my damn mind for the rest of the dream and wondering what the hell really IS happening down there at the Jade Helm thing...  There was another dream that I can't remember now, but it had to do with the government implementing whatever it was they were up to at the Walmart.

A few weeks back I dreamed about Jensen Ackles lol.  I haven't seen Supernatural in months, but we were ghost hunting (appropriate) at the Culberston Mansion here in New Albany, IN.  There was a lot of air guitar-ing involved and it was much more awesome than last night's strange adventure.

I can't remember much of it now (it was hours ago after all...) but I remember beign somewhere (I think a waiting room at a doctor's office or an airplane....) and looking at a magazine, but the pictures moved and I had headphones in to hear the videos.  Think internet in magazine form I guess.  I was watching something like a youtube vid with one of the Monty Python guys in it, older and grey headed, Terry Jones in particular.  I can't remember what he was saying, only that I had flipped the page when it started getting good and I couldn't turn back fast enough.  Wait, it had something to do with how boyfriends/husbands should tell their women they look beautiful.  He said 'Don't jsut scratch your chin or give her a thumbs up and tell her she looks pretty, that's what americans do!' and I laughed, then was about to flip the page when he approaches the camera and says 'You should do this-' and I flipped the page but could still hear him.  He pretended he was taking the woman's face into his hands and telling her that her beauty was beyond compare and that even Kate Middleton woud be jealous of her gorgeousness. Then he said, 'Don't forget to kiss her, too.  Bitches love kisses!'  I was laughing so hard I'm surprised I didn't wake up!  Anyway, I see seta_suzume and I rush over to her (somehow we're outside at this point and we're both wearing heavy coats, she was wearing a black pea coat and a knitted hat and scarf and I had on a tan coat with fuzzy trimmed sleeves. I was telling her she needed to see that video in the magazine and she said 'Great! let's go inside and get some coffee and I'll take a look at it!"  Then I woke up because my husband's an ox and doesn't know how to enter a room quietly.

not much gonig on with me.  working A LOT, wearing an aircast boot because of the tibial tendon dysfunction again, signed Joey up for KINDERGARTEN today.  I've lost almost 20 pounds since I began my weight loss surgery journey!I still think it would be awesome if I could get under 300 on my own before new years.  I think I'd sit down and jsut have a moment and cry.  That's been my new years resolution for so long...  It snowed off and on all day today.  I made snowcream for the first time and it turned out so yummy!

If you haven't had a chance, I'm gathering addresses for Christmas cards! click here if you want one! Comments are screening properly now lol.

Other than that, I've been workign on the final installment of that FMA big bang fic I've been posting for two years straight.  Drew up some maps of Xing and the capitol and I'm jsut ready to finish it all up.  I told Sammy I was gonna retire from writing.  She told me that's a lie and we both know it.  I hate it when she's right.

( long story about the nightmares )

Also, I feel like a slug lately.  I've gained back all the weight I lost, I've got no interest in writing or drawing or anything, work sucks so hard and Joey not being in school sucks even harder.

Here's what I sound like right now: "Hullo. My nameb is Stuffy McSinus-Infection. Whend I woke up this morbning I couldn'd breed out my nose because evryding was stobbed up tight.  Den I sneezed and lods of blood cambe out."

Seriously, I thought it was just a nosebleed because I've been blowing and honking like a goose around here.  No, I made kleenex tampons for my nose and was coughing out the bloody mucous draining down the back of my throat.  At one point it looked like ALL blood and no snot.  It finally stopped but I feel awful.  And fuck work for trying to make me feel bad for not coming in for 2 days.  I've been running a fever and coughing with what will eventually be bronchitis and snotting up the place.  I even texted a picture of the prescription so they'd see I went to the doctor, that didn't impress them.  Whatever.  I go in on Sunday, hopefully I will be feeling better by then, but if not, I'll be staying home and they can either fire me or deal with it.

Anyone doing the Bitcoin thing?  Walt set it up and we had over $200 worth, so we cashed them in and are fuckin rocking the Christmas lists.  Got Joey his tablet, got him some desperately needed pajamas, an Angry Birds game that you don't play on a device, got cliff some awesome Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles Stuff.  Christmas is going to be awesome.  Stuff has started coming in from our online orders and I've been wrapping them and just squeeing festively.  My tree looks stupid but it's alright for now.  When stuff goes on clearance after Christmas I might work on it.  half the lights don't work and it's a new string, and I can't find the spare bulbs to try to fix it Just found the spares to the second string, they were still attached to the plug! We're all lit up again!. My stockings however are great looking, and my yule altar is looking good.  In fact, I just got a chalice for it off ebay, it should arriving today or tomorrow.

OMG ice storm!  Seriously, did we really NEED a mess like this?  People in Louisville freak out when a single flake falls, you can imagine how crazy it was when they heard there would be ice and possible power outages.  Thank goodness we still have power and plenty of food.

Had my first dream about Braeda.  It was nothing like my headcanon.  In it, I met his father, who has deformed hands but a good heart (in contrast to the soulless bastard who knocked up Braeda's mother and left them at the first hint of her pregnancy that I write), and he had 2 brothers, one that was their father's care giver and one that was a real jerk.  We were having a big dinner with both of our families, kind of like a summer cookout or something.  My father, who has black hair again and holding a baby girl that's about a year old, says something to the effect of "I heard my little girl is sweet on you."  I got real embarrassed and walked away because apparently I hadn't even confessed how I felt to him yet.  He kinda looked at me and grinned, then told my dad "Well, I'm kinda sweet on her.  You raised a fine woman."  At some point I run into the jerk brother and he starts trying to come on to me like a creep and then Braeda saves me from him, and we go into this pantry like room and we're doing paperwork of all things.  He tells me to unlock some drawer and I was getting confused as to what he wanted me to do with the lock and I said, "I'm sorry, I'm kind of a virgin when it comes to this!"  And he laughed at me and replied "C'mon now, you're no virgin!"  Then he got up and took the lock out of my hands and set it on the desk there and said "I heard you bought rubbers.  Are they open?"  I said No, that I was saving them for something special, and he said something like what?  and I was going to say "For us..." just as I woke up, and I might have actually said it out loud- thank god Walt wasn't in the room because he would be mad at me for dreaming about an anime character like that and accuse me of cheating. *eyeroll*  I tried to go back to sleep but that's when the blood volcano in my face decided to erupt.  Now we're full circle!

Had a grocery store steal milk off my WIC card- complained to the company and never heard back from them, not an apology, not a voucher for like $5 free, NOTHING.  Never going back there, it's called Price Le$$ Foods.  They will fuck you over if you're not careful.

HOLIDAY CARDS!!!!  If you want one, please comment at THIS POST (it's screened) and if you want to send one back just let me know and I'll give you my address.  Let me know by the 14th because I'll have stamps and be mailing these out by then.

I was at an airport, rushing around trying to get from the baggage claim to the parking lot when there was a big siren alert about a really huge storm.  So I got in the car and drove to my ancestral home (the little 3 bedroom tiny house that I grew up in as a child, only the back yard is huge and we have no neighbors and it wasn't at the conjecture of 3 freeways and a local airport with the little 2 prop planes).  The sky was clear, the sunset was beautiful, I was like how could there be this big storm coming if there's not any sign of one in the sky?  So I get settled in, get dressed in a softball jersey and pull on a ball cap and go out back to where there's a softball game going on.  We're having a great time and there's a guy selling hotdogs and everyone's cheering in the stands and it's just fun.  Then all the sudden this huge wind comes up, like tornado strength.  The lights over the field explode, there's thunder and lightning and it's pouring not buckets, not gallons, but it was like someone was pouring the ocean over us.  We ended up under this giant tarp (people are physically restraining it themselves from the wind...) and water is coming in and we're going to drown.  It's like Mother Nature flexed her muscles and decided enough was enough of the human race.  And I don't know how we get to this point, but we're back at the airport and they're loading us into these planes saying that we're going to fly up over the clouds and wait the storm out, that no storm system could possible have that much water in the clouds.  We can't get above the clouds.  The gov't starts shooting rockets into the air trying to distrupt the air fronts and reroute the storms to the ocean but nothing is working. Eventually we have to land because we're running out of fuel.

But there's nowhere to land.  The whole country is flooded so badly and it's still raining and people are scared to death.  Then the air staff start loading us into these pods.  They're like escape pods but instead of putting a group in one, it's really small, so it holds just 1 person (or a mother and child).  They start shooting us into the water, and this one idiot put his infant son in one by himself, and there's a switch you have to hit after you hit the water in order to start the oxygen machine.  So they shoot the dad out and they shoot the baby out, and I'm sobbing because I have Joey in my lap and I know that little baby is going to die.  We sit in the pod in darkness for a long time, and then we float to the top, and when we get up there we see all the other pods, and now it's day light and not raining anymore.  We get picked up by a submarine and as Joey and I are waiting to get picked out of the water we see R2D2 kinda bobbing around with this underwater sonar thing.  I asked what that was about and a sub guy tell me that the man and his baby are okay, that the man broke out of his pod and into his son's pod somehow and they were floating up right now. 

Now here's where it gets real strange.  So apparently the sub doesn't take us anywhere and we have to swim to shore.  It takes like DAYS because the earth is all flooded now.  When we get there, there is my little house again, but it's set on the street like it is right now, with our neighbors and the fire hydrant and telephone poles etc. We were watching this movie about drag queens or something, and then I was a part of th show!  And it was this big presentation of like historical women but with drag queens playing them , and this one was dressed as a man and rapping about Rome or something, and I was told to go get something from a country or something, I'm not sure of the details as to why I ended up on a beach combing through the sand.  All I know was Vic Mignona was there and we were talking about that storm and how crazy it was.  And then I goback to my house, jump in through the window where my parent's bedroom was and that's when I realize I wasn't in the show, but watching it on a DVD, and Joey's godmother is there trying to catch up to what's going on so I had to rewind it and I start 'popping my booty' to the rap song XDDDDD

It was awful!  So glad I woke up, because me doing that butt hting was UNNATURAL. At least the whole disaster theme ended on a high note?  Bah, I don't want to go to work today.  My knees are STILL aching.  At least today it will be a normal 4 hour shift.

I finally had a Haji sex dream!  Sadly, the only thing I can remember about it is seeing Haji smile and his cheeks turn pink.  I even woke up at some point and told myself DON'T FORGET THIS!

I guess it was only inevitable...  I've seen Blood+ like 5-6 times now all the way through.  I'm actually a little ashamed that I don't have any decent fic written/belong to a fic comm or something for it.  I think I remember kissing him...  Anyways, on the list of animated male characters that I'd want to sleep with, I can now cross Haji off.