Miscellany and Musings

 Hi. Long time no see. Before I begin, I have to say that I'm angry and upset and because of that, this entry may feel a little terse and curt.

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 Hello! Not dead! Just busy- I had weight loss surgery on 11/20 and am recovering remarkably well. It was a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, and so far I'm loving my new tool. Already down lower than I thought I'd be only a week or so out. Eating is kind of a pain because it's all so bland right now, but I get to add peanut butter, bananas and applesauce today, so maybe that will help some. Looking forward to next week when I can have beans, cheese, and soft tortillas. Even if I can't finish a bean burrito, at least it will taste and feel like real food and not another chalky protein shake or a much too sweet protein water.

It was a laparoscopic procedure so the scarring is minimal and healing beautifully. I can already sleep on my stomach! Still being extra careful, but I'm really surprised how easy it was. Some friends of mine did not have such an easy time. I recall healing relatively painlessly and quickly from my c-section too... maybe I just deal with surgery in general very well. 

In other news, I've been unofficially running Joey's cub scout den and tomorrow night will be officially named leader at the pack meeting. LOVE MY BOYS! Maybe it's because they're not all MINE lol. We're doing a skit for the Holiday Party, a Stranger Things rap that parodies the scouts as if they were demogorgons. Yeah, I have to make 6 demogorgon masks and props, and compose an 80's style beatbox rap beat on my keyboard for Monday night's rehearsal. That's our only time to practice because I didn't know we were going to even do this until this past Monday. Winter party is Dec 11th. hoo boy, thank goodness I'll almost be at full eating stage by then lol.

I started my FMA Secret Santa fic but get so distracted with everything else going on that I haven't worked much on it. I need to go back and expand some things in the beginning.

Any tips on how to keep this dog from chewing everything in my house to shreds? I've only ever taken a dog to a shelter once and that was because we couldn't break him of the chewing bullshit. On the edge and ready to do it with this one. 

IF YOU'D LIKE A CHRISTMAS CARD AND YOU'VE NEVER GOTTEN ONE FROM ME IN THE PAST, SEND ME YOUR ADDRESS!!!! I saved addresses I've sent to before, so those folks are good. But if you want one and have never gotten one from me before, I'll be glad to put one in the mail! 

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So with all of this going on, I've lost my job, again. Art and fic commissions are open for those interested. CLICK HERE for the details. Otherwise, hug your loved ones, you never know when it will be the last time you see them.

 Intake appointment at the bariatric surgeon's office went really well. I was disappointed to find out that I would have a 4 month dieting period, but it's probably for the best that I didn't jump into having surgery anyway, seeing as I really do need to retrain myself on how to eat. Blood work was really good, cholesterol is a little off, but nothing diet and exercise won't fix. It's just a couple of points I need to readjust. A1C was like .1% over the limit, but my fasting blood sugars were 120. Every time I do fasting labs my sugar is high. Don't have any idea why. My iron levels were low, which may explain some of the fatigue and lightheadedness I had going into that appointment, but otherwise I'm in really good shape to be almost 400 pounds. My starting weight was 378. I just weighed myself before getting in the shower and I'm down 3 pounds in a week!

I've been eating low carb high protein, and there are RULES. 

1. YOU MUST EAT IN ORDER. What I mean is your plate need to be sectioned into 3 parts- proteins, fiber full vegetables, carbs and fats. Proteins should be the biggest part of the meal and should be eaten first. Veggies next, and carbs last, if you're even still hungry. The idea is to save the carbs for last so you have less room to overeat on them. 
2. NO DRINKING 30 MINUTES BEFORE YOU EAT AND 30 MINUTES AFTER. Drinking so soon before, during or after meals washes away the contents of the stomach, leading you to overeat, or feel hungry earlier when you eat the right size portions.
3. EAT SLOWLY. People often don't have a lot of time on lunch breaks at work, so they wolf everything down. By the time they stop eating, they're feeling stuffed because they've gorged and don't realize it. By eating slower, you will recognize when you feel full. Now my nutritionist said to stop when I felt full and throw what I didn't eat away if it couldn't be saved. I am not that extreme, especially if it's just 2 or 3 bites.
4. BUDGET CALORIES FOR FUN STUFF. A diet won't last if it's not livable. By eating a salad for lunch and a salad for dinner, I can have cake and ice cream and not be any worse for the wear.

And that's it! Right now, I haven't been exercising much. I can't seem to get a routine together and I'm always so drained when I come home from work. I suck at time management... But I'm hoping to get that under control soon so I can start really coming down in weight. I'm really excited and can't wait for my first non scale victory- which I hope is my stomach backing off the steering wheel when I drive.

 I have these neighbors across the street from me who think just because they have a big backyard that backs up to the expressway, and that our street is sort of like a long cul-de-sac because of this hairpin curve to get to our houses, that they can have a country 4th of July complete with ATVs, enormous fireworks, loud music, lots of drinking, etc. I watched these idiots so closely because last year they fired mortars at our house in their drunken revelry. Now look, the 4th is actually my favorite holiday. I love getting together with friends and family and drinking and blowing shit up, but there's a time and a place, and that place is not in suburbia. 

I knew we were in for it when car after car came and parked all over the street. There were at least 15 vehicles parked in front of my house, their house, their next door neighbors, etc. 3 of them had trailers. someone brought a giant smoker and 2 had ATVs (one was just a general mudder kind of 4 wheeler, the other looked like a dune buggy). All day long, they drank and drove these ATVs through their next door neighbors yard (the one who's a bee keeper and has two big beautiful peach trees in his front yard). Kids not much older than Joey were driving them too, and I laughed my ass off when King Redneck himself slammed right into the grill of his own truck and threw himself up onto the hood. Those 4 wheelers were going all damn day, non stop. And the music got louder as the day wore on. Most of it was fine, classic rock kind of stuff. But then there was a rather long block of country and I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough.

Keep in mind I am in my house, windows closed, and it was still just like being there.

As for the fireworks, they shot off roman candles all day, nothing major. But when it got dark, that's when it suddenly became Beirut in the 80's. The fireworks they were shooting off would have been appropriate at any city display. I'm saying that they were LOUD, and they shook the pictures on the wall, and literally scared the shit out of my dog. I couldn't even see the entire burst they made in the sky because my window wasn't big enough. And this was one right after the other rapid fire like, from 9-10. Thankfully, despite being drunk is horrible all day, they had enough presence of mind to obey the noise ordinances and stopped at 10. The music cut off and they all moved inside and then finally started leaving around midnight.

The front yard doesn't have too much in it, just one or two mortar shell things, mostly burnt up and soaked from rain we had early this morning. If it had been on the weekend, we would have been in for a much longer and terrifying evening. The fireworks were very cool and pretty (grateful I never have to waste my OWN money on them with these people lol) but my son and my mastiff and my black cat were not as thrilled as I was lol.

In other news, I got all my edits made to my big bang entry and will be starting my new job on Monday!!! Everything's on the up and up at last! Just can't wait to get some paychecks rolling back in. Gotta save for house taxes and car repairs.

 The online shouting match the other night with my sister's boyfriend resulted in him staying in jail for 2 days (for a bench warrant, not because I reported him). He was served with eviction papers while in jail, and when he was released, he came back to mom's apartment, got his clothes and things, and went to live with his mother. He apologized to my mom and sister, apologized to me for making me worry about them, I said I was sorry it all got out of hand and that he was arrested, but he said he wasn't mad. He said he realized he was definitely in the wrong, that he took care of court stuff while he was there and is now an unwanted person again, and being apart from my sister will be the best thing for everyone in the long run. So everything's okay and that's a big relief.

In other news, my husband's oldest brother (who was once married to my mom for a little while), is in the mental hospital. He is bipolar, has schizo-affective disorder, and has been hospitalized a bunch of times in the past 12 years.  He got prostate and testicular cancer, and after treatment, his body doesn't metabolize his medication the way it used to. So the combination of lithium/prozac/seroquel stopped working and they haven't been able to get him straightened out ever since.  One time he got in his truck and just took off. He made it to Mississippi before he ran out of gas, and then just got out and started walking, taking off his clothes as he went because he thought someone had bugged him and was controlling his truck. Another time he went west and he stopped at a construction site in Missouri where a bunch of people were eating lunch. He parked his truck, left the keys in it, and jumped into the workers' truck, hot wired it, and took off for California. H didn't make it far before he was arrested. Anyway, he's got a history of really bad mental illness. Walt went to check on him and visit with him yesterday, and the doctor said he can't live by himself anymore. He's having a really hard time breathing for one, and right now he's at the regular hospital across the street. Secondly, he's in no shape mentally to care for himself. So now Walt and his other 2 brothers are having to decide what to do and how to do it. Walt kinda wants him to stay with us, but I really do not. We don't have any extra room to spare, we would have to convert our living room into a bedroom, and I don't know that I want a borderline insane man in my house with my son and animals. Don't get me wrong, I love this brother, I actually met him before my husband, but that was back when his mind was working right. It's almost like dealing with someone who has dementia- you know the person is in there somewhere, but you don't know how to reach them. Will have to see how that all pans out. The brothers are supposed to have a meeting this weekend (one lives in Alabama and has to come up here). At least for now, the one in question safe where he is, and we are safe where we are.

 Like an hour ago. Out of nowhere. My sister said she collapsed in the kitchen, unresponsive and not breathing. Her daughter-in-law and my uncle did chest compressions on her until the ambulance arrived, and she was taken to the hospital where they worked on her for almost an hour before pronouncing her dead. Mom said the say before she'd been complaining about her back hurting, so we think it may have been a heart attack. She was the youngest of my mom's siblings too- only 52 years old. Just a year and a half ago I lost my uncle, her brother, very suddenly too in a fatal motorcycle accident. I hope it was as painless as it was quick for her. 

She joins her son Steven, who passed when he was 3 due to cancer, my grandparents and uncle, and her ex-husband, the father of her children.  I have no idea what's gong to happen as far as a memorial or anything- they were pretty poor and I'm certain she didn't pre-plan anything. 

Hug your loved ones, you never know when their last breath is coming.

 In 2014, I signed up to have weight loss surgery. I was on track to have it around March/April of 2015, because medicaid makes you do 6 months of supervised weight loss with your doctor before approving the surgery, and you have to be checked by the doctor every month for a consecutive 6 months (literally every 30 days). In December, my doctor had something come up, and medicaid said I could see anyone in her office, but they wouldn't see me. So after 3 months, I had to start all over again at the beginning, and I said fuck it, I'll just keep doing the diet the surgeon put me on, I'm doing pretty well with that.

Then I started the job at Charter, and everything got all off track, and here I am in 2017 and I just sent the paperwork in yesterday by mail to get back into the program, which will put me on track for surgery sometime between the end of November and early January. I think the Zoloft helped me make that decision, because before I was so scared and terrified, even about having the endoscopy to see what's causing my GERD and if they will have to surgically fix that while they're in there. Not scared anymore. I think that goof up happened for a reason, even though I'm bigger now than I was when I was going to have it done initially. 

I weigh 373 lbs (168 kilos), am 5' 3" (160 cm), and my BMI is 66, completely and horribly awful. I am literally as big around as I am tall (63 inch waist, 63 inches tall). It's time for this, and I'm ready now- ready to make changes and work harder than I've ever worked before. 

Still feeling better and better with the Zoloft. I can't believe how much better everything in the house feels too. The whole atmosphere in here has transformed. If I could get back to work, my life would be pretty freakin good.

Made the jump to DW (obviously). Got the FMA Big Bang community updated and ready to go in case anyone's interested. I may use an old schedule since were' going to be separate from Tumblr (but I also may make a master post of the Tumblr fics when they're published)

I'm still adjusting to the Zoloft, up until last night, nothing of note had happened. I'd gone to bed and felt fine, then woke up with chest pain, though the pain itself wasn't really that bad. I turned over in bed got comfortable and tried to go back to sleep and then I started feeling like it was getting worse. So I sat up and just observed it- was it a squeezing pain? Was it one side or the other or in the middle? Sharp and tabby or dull and achy? And then it felt like someone put a hot poker in my chest and it started to get warm, and then radiated outward and now it was in my back too. Of course that freaked me right the fuck out and bam- I'm in the middle of a horrible panic attack. I shouted for my husband, who didn't answer. So I hurriedly called his phone, and I heard it ringing on the kitchen table. So I got up and started frantically searching for him and found him in the garage. By that time, I was so concentrated on finding him and not focusing on the sensation in my chest that I actually made the symptoms go away. He comforted me a little, noting that I was so sweaty it was like I'd just gotten out of the shower. I finally got calmed down and got a glass of water, a little later got a snack.  No further trouble so far.

The reason I mention all of that was when I was taking the Lexapro, I had a similar event happen- hot poker that radiated heat from the middle of my chest, though that time it radiated up past my shoulders and down pasy my groin- this time it didn't go very far and wasn't as intense. I wonder if that's something I'm just going to have to deal with if I take medication for the depression and anxiety. I haven't had any hallucinations or weird thoughts like I had with the Lexapro, so maybe the Zoloft will be better in the long run, I just don't want to have panic episodes like that if I can avoid them. I haven't had one that bad in a long time.  I really thought I was having a heart attack because of something I'd read once saying that women's symptoms don't have the left arm pain, it's usually a radiating pain that goes to the back.

Anyway, doctor said my legs hurting could very well be caused by the depo shot, because it can cause osteoporosis and if there's even a tiny bit of arthritis in my knees it would make it worse.  Had xrays on both knees yesterday, but she wants me to stop the shot. I kinda do too, but I also don't like bleeding for a month or bleeding very heavily with horrible cramps. She said that all might be weight related and is really pushing for the weight loss surgery. I think I'm going to get serious about that pre-surgery diet again and just start moving. Once I start feeling better mentally, I think that will be better in the long run.