sonjajade | Recent Entries

I found out yesterday that my dad molested his little sister for years when he was a teenager, and that he had pedophile tendencies that led to his compulsive lying. My mother said she was terrified that she had two daughters knowing what he’d done to his sister, and the fact he slept naked, and the fact he would watch porn knowing we weren’t sleep yet.

I guess I always suspected something was off about him, but I didn't think he'd done anything like that. I don't even know how to treat him afterward now that I know. Like what the fuck do I do with this information and this jumbled up mess of emotions now?

I rarely come here, and I'm not even looking for any kind of feedback or support, I just need to get some shit off my chest and I didn't want to put it on facebook.

Currently, at 3:30 am while everyone in my house is asleep, I'm feeling really down ( Read more... )

In somewhat good news though, ( Read more... )

Participated in a writing festival on Tumblr- Moms Made Fullmetal week. Lots of fun. I need to get around to reading some of the entries. Want a link? https://archiveofourown.org/collections/MomsMadeFullmetalWeek

There aren't many slips in the jar this year, but it's not because there weren't lots of great moments. I've had a pretty good year emotionally, due mostly to seeing a great therapist and doing really well on my medication for the depression. It's still there, but it doesn't hurt so badly, and I have more good days than bad days now. That's something I couldn't put in the jar that really means something, but it took me a year to figure that out. Without any further ado, here's what was in the jar in no order whatsoever.

Broke the sex dry spell and had a great time with my husband. Did not go 2 years without after all!
Blood pressure NICE and LOW, 120/64 with pulse rate of 68. BMI dropped from 68 to 60! Scale hasn't moved much yet but good things are happening! (1/28/2018)
I am pleasantly surprised that Ellie made it to her 13th birthday! Old lady dog may live a while longer than I thought! (1/19, she was put to sleep in March after getting kennel cough)
Helped Joey with his Pinewood Derby car and it looks AWESOME! Hope it races just as well as it looks! (we called it the Later Gator)
Found pants I thought were lost forever when looking for my snow boots- and they will fit good again soon!
I own, and have worn, a 1X shirt! NSV!!!!
Mom and Jill are moving to a house! With a fenced in yard and right around the corner from a really nice library! (the house turned out to be a dump on the inside, but they moved to a much nicer much larger apartment on the ground floor)
Got a postcard from the SOUTH POLE!
Had a great Christmas and a happy new year! Joey loved all his presents and I loved all of mine ♥
Saw a tree SO FULL of robins that it looked like a fall tree! Never seen anything like it!
Got a job! Working at PETSMART! FOR MY BIRTHDAY! (didn't stay because my van died on me and I had no way to get there every day, but I'm working at another pet store, a local company, that is 2 miles from the house and I LOVE IT!)
SNOW!!!!
Got our aquarium set up- 9 neon tetras (smallest is Waldo, biggest is Greg) 1 betta (Toki-o) and 2 albino cory catfish (big one is Jon Snow, small one is Ghost). Also Spot the Snail! (only one of those fish is still alive and that's Toki-o)

Hi. Long time no see. Before I begin, I have to say that I'm angry and upset and because of that, this entry may feel a little terse and curt.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: aggravated

( Hmmm probably should cut this super gross likely TMI part )
Sorry, that was probably gross, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Couldn't go to work today because I was literally bleeding too much too quickly, and cramping like the devil. In other news, I had a real bad bout of depression relapse over the course of a week when I kept forgetting to take my medicine. Big mistake. Was just as miserable mentally as I was physically with the cramping. Was telling lies all over the place, shoplifting like crazy, hallucinating, stressed to the max... Been taking my meds this week though, and I'm doing much better.

Still can't seem to muster up any desire to write. I tried to write today but only added a little to a stoner series chapter I'm working on. Did post an update to my Desert Rose series. That's the part about depression I can't seem to conquer. I used to craft and paint and draw and write, and now I don't care. I have some scout things I need to finish and I just don't wanna do it. I get overwhelmed pretty easy it seems.

Got a new kitty! Her name is Lula, very sweet girl, just taking her time coming out of her shell. With all the attention I'm giving her, I think Gizmo now hates me. At least she and Flop have a common enemy now lol.

3 month surgiversary- I've lost 43 pounds since I had my sleeve procedure, it's going slow, but I can tell it's working. It was real for me when I realized my panties were too big lol. Was also able to squeeze into an XL size t-shirt for scouts!

I only had 7 slips in my jar last year. My depression and anxiety were off the chain, and this year I was medicated and had so many slips I couldn't fit any more into the jar!. So here are all the moments I had that I was grateful to be alive, in no particular order.

( DAS LIST )

Wow. What a long beautiful year it's been. I hope the coming year is just as good or better ♥

Hello! Not dead! Just busy- I had weight loss surgery on 11/20 and am recovering remarkably well. It was a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, and so far I'm loving my new tool. Already down lower than I thought I'd be only a week or so out. Eating is kind of a pain because it's all so bland right now, but I get to add peanut butter, bananas and applesauce today, so maybe that will help some. Looking forward to next week when I can have beans, cheese, and soft tortillas. Even if I can't finish a bean burrito, at least it will taste and feel like real food and not another chalky protein shake or a much too sweet protein water.

It was a laparoscopic procedure so the scarring is minimal and healing beautifully. I can already sleep on my stomach! Still being extra careful, but I'm really surprised how easy it was. Some friends of mine did not have such an easy time. I recall healing relatively painlessly and quickly from my c-section too... maybe I just deal with surgery in general very well.

In other news, I've been unofficially running Joey's cub scout den and tomorrow night will be officially named leader at the pack meeting. LOVE MY BOYS! Maybe it's because they're not all MINE lol. We're doing a skit for the Holiday Party, a Stranger Things rap that parodies the scouts as if they were demogorgons. Yeah, I have to make 6 demogorgon masks and props, and compose an 80's style beatbox rap beat on my keyboard for Monday night's rehearsal. That's our only time to practice because I didn't know we were going to even do this until this past Monday. Winter party is Dec 11th. hoo boy, thank goodness I'll almost be at full eating stage by then lol.

I started my FMA Secret Santa fic but get so distracted with everything else going on that I haven't worked much on it. I need to go back and expand some things in the beginning.

Any tips on how to keep this dog from chewing everything in my house to shreds? I've only ever taken a dog to a shelter once and that was because we couldn't break him of the chewing bullshit. On the edge and ready to do it with this one.

IF YOU'D LIKE A CHRISTMAS CARD AND YOU'VE NEVER GOTTEN ONE FROM ME IN THE PAST, SEND ME YOUR ADDRESS!!!! I saved addresses I've sent to before, so those folks are good. But if you want one and have never gotten one from me before, I'll be glad to put one in the mail!

Bad news first- Shark ~~Week~~ MONTH has returned. Aunt Flo came to vist on Labor Day and didn't leave until I was forced to get a week's worth of Provera and make it stop. As soon as I ran out of medicine, the bitch came back- with a vengeance. While I did have a very heavy flow and huge clots, I didn't have a single cramp. This time, I have an even heavier flow (where the hell is all this blood even coming from?!?) smaller clots and CRAMPPPS from hell. Can't get in to see my gynecologist until DECEMBER. Planned Parenthood is booked until 10/23, so I may have to go that route. My sister said to go to the hospital. I might if I keep soaking through these super plus tampons so quickly. Wish I could sneeze real hard and my uterus just fly across the room and splat into the garbage can.

Good news! My bariatric surgeon's office is going to send my paperwork to the insurance company to be approved next week!!! That means I'll get to meet with the doctor and get a surgery date!! AHHHH!!! I'm so excited! Hopefully I can get this period crap under control so I don't have to concern myself with that mess while I'm recovering from gastric bypass surgery. Then I'll finally be on my way to the losing side ♥

Bad news- a friend of mine I met through anime conventions got the news that his brain cancer returned for a 3rd time on his birthday. They caught it super early so hopefully they can knock it out quickly. My heart breaks for him because he's such a sweet person and doesn't deserve this.

Good news! After 13 years, I finally got my husband to haul that rusted piece of crap basketball goal of ours out to the street for junk pickup. AT LAST.

Bad news- FMA Big Bang posting began on the 3rd but my artist isn't finished with the artwork and asked for an extension, so I can't post my fic. And the fic I illustrated did not post the pictures in her story OR link back to my DA profile.

Good news! I have my fic formatted and ready to go into a printed paperback version, just need to insert the art when I get it. The cover is ready to go too!

If I think of anything else to share, I will. Until then, smell ya later.

( Read more... )

So with all of this going on, I've lost my job, again. Art and fic commissions are open for those interested. CLICK HERE for the details. Otherwise, hug your loved ones, you never know when it will be the last time you see them.

I've been meaning to come by and post a "Hey I'm still alive!" post for a week or more but I have the attention span of a gnat.( Read more... )

Intake appointment at the bariatric surgeon's office went really well. I was disappointed to find out that I would have a 4 month dieting period, but it's probably for the best that I didn't jump into having surgery anyway, seeing as I really do need to retrain myself on how to eat. Blood work was really good, cholesterol is a little off, but nothing diet and exercise won't fix. It's just a couple of points I need to readjust. A1C was like .1% over the limit, but my fasting blood sugars were 120. Every time I do fasting labs my sugar is high. Don't have any idea why. My iron levels were low, which may explain some of the fatigue and lightheadedness I had going into that appointment, but otherwise I'm in really good shape to be almost 400 pounds. My starting weight was 378. I just weighed myself before getting in the shower and I'm down 3 pounds in a week!

I've been eating low carb high protein, and there are RULES.

YOU MUST EAT IN ORDER. What I mean is your plate need to be sectioned into 3 parts- proteins, fiber full vegetables, carbs and fats. Proteins should be the biggest part of the meal and should be eaten first. Veggies next, and carbs last, if you're even still hungry. The idea is to save the carbs for last so you have less room to overeat on them.
NO DRINKING 30 MINUTES BEFORE YOU EAT AND 30 MINUTES AFTER. Drinking so soon before, during or after meals washes away the contents of the stomach, leading you to overeat, or feel hungry earlier when you eat the right size portions.
EAT SLOWLY. People often don't have a lot of time on lunch breaks at work, so they wolf everything down. By the time they stop eating, they're feeling stuffed because they've gorged and don't realize it. By eating slower, you will recognize when you feel full. Now my nutritionist said to stop when I felt full and throw what I didn't eat away if it couldn't be saved. I am not that extreme, especially if it's just 2 or 3 bites.
BUDGET CALORIES FOR FUN STUFF. A diet won't last if it's not livable. By eating a salad for lunch and a salad for dinner, I can have cake and ice cream and not be any worse for the wear.

And that's it! Right now, I haven't been exercising much. I can't seem to get a routine together and I'm always so drained when I come home from work. I suck at time management... But I'm hoping to get that under control soon so I can start really coming down in weight. I'm really excited and can't wait for my first non scale victory- which I hope is my stomach backing off the steering wheel when I drive.

It's been a rough two weeks physically. Well, mentally as well. Let me break it all down.

( Read more... )

I have these neighbors across the street from me who think just because they have a big backyard that backs up to the expressway, and that our street is sort of like a long cul-de-sac because of this hairpin curve to get to our houses, that they can have a country 4th of July complete with ATVs, enormous fireworks, loud music, lots of drinking, etc. I watched these idiots so closely because last year they fired mortars at our house in their drunken revelry. Now look, the 4th is actually my favorite holiday. I love getting together with friends and family and drinking and blowing shit up, but there's a time and a place, and that place is not in suburbia.

I knew we were in for it when car after car came and parked all over the street. There were at least 15 vehicles parked in front of my house, their house, their next door neighbors, etc. 3 of them had trailers. someone brought a giant smoker and 2 had ATVs (one was just a general mudder kind of 4 wheeler, the other looked like a dune buggy). All day long, they drank and drove these ATVs through their next door neighbors yard (the one who's a bee keeper and has two big beautiful peach trees in his front yard). Kids not much older than Joey were driving them too, and I laughed my ass off when King Redneck himself slammed right into the grill of his own truck and threw himself up onto the hood. Those 4 wheelers were going all damn day, non stop. And the music got louder as the day wore on. Most of it was fine, classic rock kind of stuff. But then there was a rather long block of country and I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough.

Keep in mind I am in my house, windows closed, and it was still just like being there.

As for the fireworks, they shot off roman candles all day, nothing major. But when it got dark, that's when it suddenly became Beirut in the 80's. The fireworks they were shooting off would have been appropriate at any city display. I'm saying that they were LOUD, and they shook the pictures on the wall, and literally scared the shit out of my dog. I couldn't even see the entire burst they made in the sky because my window wasn't big enough. And this was one right after the other rapid fire like, from 9-10. Thankfully, despite being drunk is horrible all day, they had enough presence of mind to obey the noise ordinances and stopped at 10. The music cut off and they all moved inside and then finally started leaving around midnight.

The front yard doesn't have too much in it, just one or two mortar shell things, mostly burnt up and soaked from rain we had early this morning. If it had been on the weekend, we would have been in for a much longer and terrifying evening. The fireworks were very cool and pretty (grateful I never have to waste my OWN money on them with these people lol) but my son and my mastiff and my black cat were not as thrilled as I was lol.

In other news, I got all my edits made to my big bang entry and will be starting my new job on Monday!!! Everything's on the up and up at last! Just can't wait to get some paychecks rolling back in. Gotta save for house taxes and car repairs.

Pea: Mom I can't decide if I wanna make babies with Alice Angel or Bendy (cartoon characters from a game called Bendy and the Ink Machine). But Bendy's a boy so I guess I can't make babies with him.
Me: (Knowing he means he can't decide to have a committed relationship with a boy or a girl) Honey you can make babies with whoever you want, boy or girl. I like both boys and girls, I just happened to marry Daddy because he's who I fell in love with.
Pea: So you have to make babies with someone you love?
Me: Well yeah! If you don't love each other, the baby wouldn't know what love is. So it's important to save that special time for someone you love.
Pea: I guess that makes me gay then.
Me: No, you can like both boys and girls, you don't have to choose. You're only gay if you like ONLY boys. And besides, it's going to be a long time still before you try to make babies with anyone, you don't have to worry about it right now.
Pea: Well then, I like girls AND boys!

So. There's that. I never imagined having a talk with my almost 7 year old about his sexuality. But I'm glad he's comfortable enough to tell me something like that.

I've been applying to jobs literally all over the place, no real bites.

Sister's boyfriend, who just got out of jail 2 days ago and hasn't held a job in literally months, picks up a $13 an hour job like it's nothing.

*SIGGGHHH*

Tonight is Joey's 'End of the Year Bash' at school. all kinds of cool stuff gonna be there- food trucks, a juggler, a fire breather, a DJ, face painting, balloon animals and games. Even thought it's a little cool outside and looking like it could rain any minute, I'm really jazzed about it! So off we go!

The online shouting match the other night with my sister's boyfriend resulted in him staying in jail for 2 days (for a bench warrant, not because I reported him). He was served with eviction papers while in jail, and when he was released, he came back to mom's apartment, got his clothes and things, and went to live with his mother. He apologized to my mom and sister, apologized to me for making me worry about them, I said I was sorry it all got out of hand and that he was arrested, but he said he wasn't mad. He said he realized he was definitely in the wrong, that he took care of court stuff while he was there and is now an unwanted person again, and being apart from my sister will be the best thing for everyone in the long run. So everything's okay and that's a big relief.

In other news, my husband's oldest brother (who was once married to my mom for a little while), is in the mental hospital. He is bipolar, has schizo-affective disorder, and has been hospitalized a bunch of times in the past 12 years. He got prostate and testicular cancer, and after treatment, his body doesn't metabolize his medication the way it used to. So the combination of lithium/prozac/seroquel stopped working and they haven't been able to get him straightened out ever since. One time he got in his truck and just took off. He made it to Mississippi before he ran out of gas, and then just got out and started walking, taking off his clothes as he went because he thought someone had bugged him and was controlling his truck. Another time he went west and he stopped at a construction site in Missouri where a bunch of people were eating lunch. He parked his truck, left the keys in it, and jumped into the workers' truck, hot wired it, and took off for California. H didn't make it far before he was arrested. Anyway, he's got a history of really bad mental illness. Walt went to check on him and visit with him yesterday, and the doctor said he can't live by himself anymore. He's having a really hard time breathing for one, and right now he's at the regular hospital across the street. Secondly, he's in no shape mentally to care for himself. So now Walt and his other 2 brothers are having to decide what to do and how to do it. Walt kinda wants him to stay with us, but I really do not. We don't have any extra room to spare, we would have to convert our living room into a bedroom, and I don't know that I want a borderline insane man in my house with my son and animals. Don't get me wrong, I love this brother, I actually met him before my husband, but that was back when his mind was working right. It's almost like dealing with someone who has dementia- you know the person is in there somewhere, but you don't know how to reach them. Will have to see how that all pans out. The brothers are supposed to have a meeting this weekend (one lives in Alabama and has to come up here). At least for now, the one in question safe where he is, and we are safe where we are.

My sister messaged me on facebook tonight telling me she ran away from home. Confused, I asked for clarification. She said her boyfriend of like 10 years was drunk and yelling in her face about how she never spends time with her kids and sleeps all the time. She said he'd stolen her pain pills, that even my mom was yelling at him.

In the meantime, the boyfriend is posting shit on facebook about how he wasn't gonna bow down to no bitch and she needed to bow down to him, and I said I was on my way to see if he could make this bitch bow, because I was about to sit on him and beat some sense into his head. We get in an argument via comments on facebook. Now to be fair, he has never done anything to me personally. He has hit my sister and stolen jewelry and electronics and possibly money from my mother, but never did anything to me (apart fuck with my family). So for me to actually say to him that he needed to just leave and walk away and fight with him like I was doing is a big step for me because I routinely avoid confrontation, online or otherwise.

I am still talking in PM with my sister at this point, and I told her to call the cops for a domestic dispute, She wouldn't do it. Then she says I should call them and do a welfare check on mom as the reason. I told my sister SHE should call because it's her situation. She says she's scared, and then informs me he has a warrant for his arrest. Not sure what charge, I didn't ask, I just picked up the phone and called 911. I asked for a welfare check on mom like sister told me to. They sent a car. I haven't heard anything since.

Someone in the comments on the boyfriend's post said I could be charged with harassment for the things I said. I'm not concerned. The boyfriend has a record and is a known thief and drug addict, I do not have a record and am not a drug addict. If they come here to question me I will talk to them. I doubt I'll be arrested, but we'll see. So I am anxiously waiting to see what happens.

Oh yeah, I told my sister to get an EPO on him, she said she already has one and I lost it and started yelling at her (all caps, so it's srs). If nothing changes after this, I am telling my mom and sister I don't want to hear anything about this guy unless they are committed to doing something about it. You're not allowed to complain if you're going to sit on your hands and let things happen because you're afraid.

It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I have to get up at 7:30 to get Joey to school, and I'm afraid to go to bed because I don't know what's happening at mom's, and don't know if the police will come here. Maybe I should just go to bed and not worry about it at all!

After I took Joey to school I came home and went back to bed, per the usual when I'm not working. Dreamed I was living in a really big house with the cast of the Trailer Park Boys (WTF seriously omg why). If you're not familiar, it's a way too real depiction of an average day in a trailer park. This takes place in Canada but it literally could be in any place because my dad lived in one JUST LIKE IT. Anyway, the 3 main characters are best friends since childhood, one is an orphaned guy with coke bottle thick glasses who lives in a shed with all the park cats and makes a living salvaging broken shopping carts. He's not mentally retarded or anything but he kinda looks it because of the glasses, he's actually pretty smart and level headed. Then there's Ricky, a foul mouthed, trigger happy, dope growing genius (but pretty stupid apart from growing dope). Very nice guy though if you're nice to him. Then there's Julian, a tall dark beefcake kinda guy who is all the time coming up with schemes to make big money quick and retire, which of course always involve the help of the other two.

ANYWAY.

( Read more... )

I haven't had a really memorable dream like that since starting the Zoloft. Pretty cool.

Like an hour ago. Out of nowhere. My sister said she collapsed in the kitchen, unresponsive and not breathing. Her daughter-in-law and my uncle did chest compressions on her until the ambulance arrived, and she was taken to the hospital where they worked on her for almost an hour before pronouncing her dead. Mom said the say before she'd been complaining about her back hurting, so we think it may have been a heart attack. She was the youngest of my mom's siblings too- only 52 years old. Just a year and a half ago I lost my uncle, her brother, very suddenly too in a fatal motorcycle accident. I hope it was as painless as it was quick for her.

She joins her son Steven, who passed when he was 3 due to cancer, my grandparents and uncle, and her ex-husband, the father of her children. I have no idea what's gong to happen as far as a memorial or anything- they were pretty poor and I'm certain she didn't pre-plan anything.

Hug your loved ones, you never know when their last breath is coming.

She asked all the expected questions: How's the depression? How's the anxiety? Any weird sensations or side effects bothering you? After the progress I've made this past month and how much better things are, she decided not to up the dosage at this time. I mentioned some insomnia from time to time and she told me to start taking it in the morning instead of at bedtime. So everything's looking good and she is pleased and so I am I!

Went to a grand opening of a new Goodwill store. I didn't mean to get there just before opening the doors, but I was one of the first people in. Got a set of pajama bottoms (capris and shorts!) both featuring pink flamingos, got a tiny red jade little Buddha figure, a little wooden treasure chest I thought Joey might like (he didn't), a gameboy game but now I can't find the gameboy grrr, and 2 shirts for Joey. He asked me for a white 'wife beater' and he needed a plain white t-shirt for his 50's concert at school on Thursday. They were also handing out free pens and post-it notes and stress balls so got that too. Oh and one of the Dark Tower books by Stephen King. I used to have the whole series but had to sell them at some point in my joblessness. This is #2, the Drawing of the Three. I read while in the line to pick up Joey from school for about an hour everyday.

Still having a really hard time finding a job AGAIN... Hoping something comes along soon. In the meantime, I'm playing World of Warcraft again. Wish I could finish my FMA Big Bang fic, and I'm sure I will eventually, just really wish I could get that spark of creativity back sooner rather than later.

To end on a high note, the weather was absolutely beautiful today, I wish I could trap days like this in a bottle.

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Jenny

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Miscellany and Musings

Recent Entries

What is done in the dark will be brought to the light...

Long time no post

Happiness Jar opening 2018

Bullshit and other garbage I've been dealing with lately

Begging for a hysterectomy

Annual Happiness Jar reading post

Surgery is a success!

Good Times, Bad Times

Another sudden death in the family

Stuff and things

I'm here to lose weight and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum!

Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

Adventures in Redneckery!

Discussion I had with my son today (Adventures in Parenting)

Bummed

All's well that ends well

Antsy

Really sweet dream that I didn't expect

My aunt just suddenly passed away

Met with the psychiatrist today