Long time no post
Sep. 5th, 2019 03:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sonjajadeI rarely come here, and I'm not even looking for any kind of feedback or support, I just need to get some shit off my chest and I didn't want to put it on facebook.
Currently, at 3:30 am while everyone in my house is asleep, I'm feeling really down because I had weight loss surgery almost 2 years ago and I'm still a whopping 340 pounds. Part of it is diet- not going to shove off blame when I know it's what I put in my fat mouth. But part of it too is I have hyperinsulinemia. That's a long word to say my body makes too much insulin because of my weight. The problem is that I have all this extra insulin floating around and no sugar for it to break down. So it causes me to crave carbs and sugars more than an average person would. But when I eat carbs and sugar, I gain weight. When I gain weight, my body produces more insulin, and the cycle starts anew. I got down to 310 I think within 9 months. Then I plateaued forever, exercise wasn't doing anything, diet didn't seem to be doing anything, and then I made things worse when I started drinking cokes again. I have days where I don't care that I'm a failure and I accept my fatness for what it is and continue to be a good person otherwise. And then I have moments tonight where I feel like the biggest fuck up and that I let the desire for sweets and cokes ruin my chances at getting thinner and getting healthy. I get mad because I'm not leading my son by example in my food choice and at the rate he's going, he's going to be bigger than me when he's an adult. [insert blah depressed pity party here]
In somewhat good news though, I had a bit of sheer luck with a Paypal transaction gone awry. Precursor- back when gmail had to have an invite to start an account, I jumped on that and got sonjajade at gmail. Somehow, some kid answered my security questions or something (wtf? I don't even know HOW) and STOLE my gmail account. That was YEARS ago. One day several months back, I thought I would try again to get into it. Low and behold, I got it back, found out some high school girl in wisconsin was using it, and I deleted this email from all of her accounts- facebook, instagram, pintrest, twitter, and paypal. So last week, I got an email to that previously hijacked account from a super white lady sounding name saying over $2000 had been deposited into that account. I thought it was a scam, so I ignored it. Few days later I get an email from paypal saying I hadn't logged in for a while and I should just check things out. I'm thinking it's a scam email, so I go directly to paypal's website and log in. THERE'S MONEY THERE. REAL money- not Nigerian prince scammer money. At this time, it's been over a week since it was sent, so I hurried to get the money into my bank account. Not even an hour later, I get an email again from Paypal from the lady and a transaction of one penny, saying "please return the money I sent by accident." I confer with an IT friend of mine and he said it sounded like a scam to him, one called the Western Union Paypal scam that had been going around his IT office. He told me to ignore it. I did, and paid off credit cards, put up money for property taxes, put some in savings. 2 days ago, I got another email from paypal saying there'd been an amount of money sent to me in error but that they'd refunded her the money and if any further details were needed, they'd contact me. I'm pretty sure they're insured for cases like that, but everything still feels so sketchy and off about this whole thing. Anyway, it was like winning the fucking lottery. So long as this is the end of it, I think things are all good?
Participated in a writing festival on Tumblr- Moms Made Fullmetal week. Lots of fun. I need to get around to reading some of the entries. Want a link? https://archiveofourown.org/collections/MomsMadeFullmetalWeek
Currently, at 3:30 am while everyone in my house is asleep, I'm feeling really down because I had weight loss surgery almost 2 years ago and I'm still a whopping 340 pounds. Part of it is diet- not going to shove off blame when I know it's what I put in my fat mouth. But part of it too is I have hyperinsulinemia. That's a long word to say my body makes too much insulin because of my weight. The problem is that I have all this extra insulin floating around and no sugar for it to break down. So it causes me to crave carbs and sugars more than an average person would. But when I eat carbs and sugar, I gain weight. When I gain weight, my body produces more insulin, and the cycle starts anew. I got down to 310 I think within 9 months. Then I plateaued forever, exercise wasn't doing anything, diet didn't seem to be doing anything, and then I made things worse when I started drinking cokes again. I have days where I don't care that I'm a failure and I accept my fatness for what it is and continue to be a good person otherwise. And then I have moments tonight where I feel like the biggest fuck up and that I let the desire for sweets and cokes ruin my chances at getting thinner and getting healthy. I get mad because I'm not leading my son by example in my food choice and at the rate he's going, he's going to be bigger than me when he's an adult. [insert blah depressed pity party here]
In somewhat good news though, I had a bit of sheer luck with a Paypal transaction gone awry. Precursor- back when gmail had to have an invite to start an account, I jumped on that and got sonjajade at gmail. Somehow, some kid answered my security questions or something (wtf? I don't even know HOW) and STOLE my gmail account. That was YEARS ago. One day several months back, I thought I would try again to get into it. Low and behold, I got it back, found out some high school girl in wisconsin was using it, and I deleted this email from all of her accounts- facebook, instagram, pintrest, twitter, and paypal. So last week, I got an email to that previously hijacked account from a super white lady sounding name saying over $2000 had been deposited into that account. I thought it was a scam, so I ignored it. Few days later I get an email from paypal saying I hadn't logged in for a while and I should just check things out. I'm thinking it's a scam email, so I go directly to paypal's website and log in. THERE'S MONEY THERE. REAL money- not Nigerian prince scammer money. At this time, it's been over a week since it was sent, so I hurried to get the money into my bank account. Not even an hour later, I get an email again from Paypal from the lady and a transaction of one penny, saying "please return the money I sent by accident." I confer with an IT friend of mine and he said it sounded like a scam to him, one called the Western Union Paypal scam that had been going around his IT office. He told me to ignore it. I did, and paid off credit cards, put up money for property taxes, put some in savings. 2 days ago, I got another email from paypal saying there'd been an amount of money sent to me in error but that they'd refunded her the money and if any further details were needed, they'd contact me. I'm pretty sure they're insured for cases like that, but everything still feels so sketchy and off about this whole thing. Anyway, it was like winning the fucking lottery. So long as this is the end of it, I think things are all good?
Participated in a writing festival on Tumblr- Moms Made Fullmetal week. Lots of fun. I need to get around to reading some of the entries. Want a link? https://archiveofourown.org/collections/MomsMadeFullmetalWeek