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Sick and tired of being sick and tired...
Jul. 22nd, 2017 02:29 pm It's been a rough two weeks physically. Well, mentally as well. Let me break it all down.
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Oh such dreams...
Oct. 11th, 2014 10:54 amPretty sure this is the result of stress and binge watching Red Dwarf. I was adventuring with the Red dwarf crew- Kat, Rimmer, Lister, but Kryten was on the ship he wasn't where we were. Now usually in my dreams I'm always myself, I can recognise my face even if my body is a trim 130 pounds and I have long wavy hair. This time I was a pretty plump pale girl with really curly red hair and bright red lipstick. Black shirt, olive green cargo pants. Like Kim Possible but fat with curly hair and a british accent. I can't remember what we were doing or what we were looking for, but we split up and Lister and I go off on our own. Apparently there is more chicken vindaloo to be had where we go and we get as many as we can carry back to the ship an tell the others where to get it and we empty this other ship of their supplies and go back to Starbug. Cut to Lister's room and things are getting steamy (thank you universe, I've been crushing on Craig Charles since I was 12!!). I ask him if he's sure he wants me- this chubby redheaded 'git' and he says "Are you kidding? lose your knickers already!" Apparently this was hysterical because I started laughing and he said sex is always better if you can laugh. And then the deed goes down (again universe, thank you!!!) and by the time it was over I was ME again. Kryten was banging on the door and bitching about the noise and then I woke up to go pee. Haven't had any really memorable dreams in a while. glad this one was a winner.
Can I just tell you how much I hate panic disorder? Or rather, how much I hate stressing myself out to the point I have panic attacks over a pair of socks at work? I don't know if it's because I have a ton of extra energy from the diet or if it's because I'm genuinely worried/scared about the endoscopy on Tuesday and the stress test on the 23rd. I went out to find the facility they're doing the endoscopy in and discovered a big ole outpatient hospital/immediate care center in the middle of literally nowhere. I feel a little better knowing exactly where it is and I talked to the nurse about the anesthesia. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown.
September 25th I weighed 332 at the dr's office. Sept 30th I weighed 328 at the hospital for the intake appointment and I started the protein heavy diet October 1st. I'm down to 321.8 today so that's 6.2 pounds in 11 days! And I retook my measurements last night. The first time I measured was 9/6, and in a little over a month, I've lost 4 inches off my waist and 3 off my hips! I'm so excited!!! Even without the surgery, I am getting smaller and stronger. I still think I'm making the right decision, even if it is scary.
Can I just tell you how much I hate panic disorder? Or rather, how much I hate stressing myself out to the point I have panic attacks over a pair of socks at work? I don't know if it's because I have a ton of extra energy from the diet or if it's because I'm genuinely worried/scared about the endoscopy on Tuesday and the stress test on the 23rd. I went out to find the facility they're doing the endoscopy in and discovered a big ole outpatient hospital/immediate care center in the middle of literally nowhere. I feel a little better knowing exactly where it is and I talked to the nurse about the anesthesia. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown.
September 25th I weighed 332 at the dr's office. Sept 30th I weighed 328 at the hospital for the intake appointment and I started the protein heavy diet October 1st. I'm down to 321.8 today so that's 6.2 pounds in 11 days! And I retook my measurements last night. The first time I measured was 9/6, and in a little over a month, I've lost 4 inches off my waist and 3 off my hips! I'm so excited!!! Even without the surgery, I am getting smaller and stronger. I still think I'm making the right decision, even if it is scary.
Really bad messed up panic day
Aug. 18th, 2013 04:43 amI woke up after getting a great night's sleep to find a happy baby next to me and it all started out fine. Two minutes alter I'm feeling like doom and gloom and like I'm having a heart attack (as usual with the way my panic manifests on bad days. On good days (lately), I get my lip uncontrollably wibbling. So I try my best not to give in to the unknown fear racing under my skin and try to distract myself as much as possible, getting Joey off on some adventure or other thanks to Netflix and trying to figure out what to do to deal today, and I ended up crawling in bed with my husband. for whatever reason, he always makes me feel better when I feel my worst, particularly with the panic bullshit. After 30 minutes I feel better, enough to get out of the bed, and then I begin to get to work. I took my medicine for the tachycardia and blood pressure and just started doing tasks- anything to distract myself. This worked really well. I worked on trying to dye my hakama again (didn't fucking work, now I don't know what to do), and once I finished that I started cleaning the dye out of the sink and oh my goodness did that snowball out of control. I cleaned my entire kitchen from top to bottom, on nothign to eat because I was afraid I'd puke it all up. I started with the microwave and then cleaned off the top of the thing, then behind and under it (OMG the dust!!). I just made my way around the room, even cleaned the oven, and cleaned the cooktop WITH A RAZOR BLADE. The gunk that gets around the burners won't come off any other way. Got rid of some stuff we didn't need over there in my cooking space, got rid of a bunch of crap on top of the oven and pulled all the crap on top of the fridge down to that spot so I can reach it.
But the second I stopped tasking, the panic came back. Like the instant I sat down to have a drink and a rest and a hot dog at my husband's insistence, that panic feeling overwhelmed me and I got right back at it. Oh yeah, I also spent a good hour cleaning the deep fryer. That is the most disgusting chore and anyone who works fast food and has to clean the grease traps has my respect. Took a 3 hr nap around 8 pm (jeeze I know) and when I woke up joey was passed out in the chair. So since I've been up this time, I've taken my meds again (have to take them twice a day) and flea combed the dogs (seemed like it's getting better but they are still itching, Koga in particular) and now I've been listening to a 2hr 'Om' chant. My heart rate has been around 115 bpm all day, now it's finally down to like 84. I can only hope that all this suffering today and subsequent moving to combat it has helped me lose a few pounds. I've dropped another pant size and I really hope to be under 300 by New Years. As of this morning only 12 pounds to go, but a few days ago it was only 8. I'm getting there, that's all that matters.
Feeling so much better now, and at least my kitchen is truly clean enough to properly cook in- not cluttered and covered in grease and dust in places I couldn't see. Now that I'm feeling better I might try to draw, but honestly I'm just so exhausted from struggling with this all day that I might do nothing but keep listening to the Om thing. The notes on the video were hilarious. "My favorite bit is the part where they go 'Ommmm'." I chuckled XD
But the second I stopped tasking, the panic came back. Like the instant I sat down to have a drink and a rest and a hot dog at my husband's insistence, that panic feeling overwhelmed me and I got right back at it. Oh yeah, I also spent a good hour cleaning the deep fryer. That is the most disgusting chore and anyone who works fast food and has to clean the grease traps has my respect. Took a 3 hr nap around 8 pm (jeeze I know) and when I woke up joey was passed out in the chair. So since I've been up this time, I've taken my meds again (have to take them twice a day) and flea combed the dogs (seemed like it's getting better but they are still itching, Koga in particular) and now I've been listening to a 2hr 'Om' chant. My heart rate has been around 115 bpm all day, now it's finally down to like 84. I can only hope that all this suffering today and subsequent moving to combat it has helped me lose a few pounds. I've dropped another pant size and I really hope to be under 300 by New Years. As of this morning only 12 pounds to go, but a few days ago it was only 8. I'm getting there, that's all that matters.
Feeling so much better now, and at least my kitchen is truly clean enough to properly cook in- not cluttered and covered in grease and dust in places I couldn't see. Now that I'm feeling better I might try to draw, but honestly I'm just so exhausted from struggling with this all day that I might do nothing but keep listening to the Om thing. The notes on the video were hilarious. "My favorite bit is the part where they go 'Ommmm'." I chuckled XD
