Really bad messed up panic day
Aug. 18th, 2013 04:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sonjajadeI woke up after getting a great night's sleep to find a happy baby next to me and it all started out fine. Two minutes alter I'm feeling like doom and gloom and like I'm having a heart attack (as usual with the way my panic manifests on bad days. On good days (lately), I get my lip uncontrollably wibbling. So I try my best not to give in to the unknown fear racing under my skin and try to distract myself as much as possible, getting Joey off on some adventure or other thanks to Netflix and trying to figure out what to do to deal today, and I ended up crawling in bed with my husband. for whatever reason, he always makes me feel better when I feel my worst, particularly with the panic bullshit. After 30 minutes I feel better, enough to get out of the bed, and then I begin to get to work. I took my medicine for the tachycardia and blood pressure and just started doing tasks- anything to distract myself. This worked really well. I worked on trying to dye my hakama again (didn't fucking work, now I don't know what to do), and once I finished that I started cleaning the dye out of the sink and oh my goodness did that snowball out of control. I cleaned my entire kitchen from top to bottom, on nothign to eat because I was afraid I'd puke it all up. I started with the microwave and then cleaned off the top of the thing, then behind and under it (OMG the dust!!). I just made my way around the room, even cleaned the oven, and cleaned the cooktop WITH A RAZOR BLADE. The gunk that gets around the burners won't come off any other way. Got rid of some stuff we didn't need over there in my cooking space, got rid of a bunch of crap on top of the oven and pulled all the crap on top of the fridge down to that spot so I can reach it.
But the second I stopped tasking, the panic came back. Like the instant I sat down to have a drink and a rest and a hot dog at my husband's insistence, that panic feeling overwhelmed me and I got right back at it. Oh yeah, I also spent a good hour cleaning the deep fryer. That is the most disgusting chore and anyone who works fast food and has to clean the grease traps has my respect. Took a 3 hr nap around 8 pm (jeeze I know) and when I woke up joey was passed out in the chair. So since I've been up this time, I've taken my meds again (have to take them twice a day) and flea combed the dogs (seemed like it's getting better but they are still itching, Koga in particular) and now I've been listening to a 2hr 'Om' chant. My heart rate has been around 115 bpm all day, now it's finally down to like 84. I can only hope that all this suffering today and subsequent moving to combat it has helped me lose a few pounds. I've dropped another pant size and I really hope to be under 300 by New Years. As of this morning only 12 pounds to go, but a few days ago it was only 8. I'm getting there, that's all that matters.
Feeling so much better now, and at least my kitchen is truly clean enough to properly cook in- not cluttered and covered in grease and dust in places I couldn't see. Now that I'm feeling better I might try to draw, but honestly I'm just so exhausted from struggling with this all day that I might do nothing but keep listening to the Om thing. The notes on the video were hilarious. "My favorite bit is the part where they go 'Ommmm'." I chuckled XD
But the second I stopped tasking, the panic came back. Like the instant I sat down to have a drink and a rest and a hot dog at my husband's insistence, that panic feeling overwhelmed me and I got right back at it. Oh yeah, I also spent a good hour cleaning the deep fryer. That is the most disgusting chore and anyone who works fast food and has to clean the grease traps has my respect. Took a 3 hr nap around 8 pm (jeeze I know) and when I woke up joey was passed out in the chair. So since I've been up this time, I've taken my meds again (have to take them twice a day) and flea combed the dogs (seemed like it's getting better but they are still itching, Koga in particular) and now I've been listening to a 2hr 'Om' chant. My heart rate has been around 115 bpm all day, now it's finally down to like 84. I can only hope that all this suffering today and subsequent moving to combat it has helped me lose a few pounds. I've dropped another pant size and I really hope to be under 300 by New Years. As of this morning only 12 pounds to go, but a few days ago it was only 8. I'm getting there, that's all that matters.
Feeling so much better now, and at least my kitchen is truly clean enough to properly cook in- not cluttered and covered in grease and dust in places I couldn't see. Now that I'm feeling better I might try to draw, but honestly I'm just so exhausted from struggling with this all day that I might do nothing but keep listening to the Om thing. The notes on the video were hilarious. "My favorite bit is the part where they go 'Ommmm'." I chuckled XD