Sick and tired of being sick and tired...
Jul. 22nd, 2017 02:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sonjajade It's been a rough two weeks physically. Well, mentally as well. Let me break it all down.
I make no bones about being morbidly obese. My BMI is over 60, I weigh close to 400 pounds, and while I've been pretty healthy physically up until now, it's starting to take its toll. My knees are in constant and varying degrees of pain every day. My blood pressure is wonky. I worry about blood clots and embolisms because I'm sedentary. Recently I've added worry about sleep apnea to the list.
Mentally I'm not doing great either. I'm a chronic worry wart and experience random acts of panic for seemingly no reason at all at times. Sometimes, I have crippling, crushing episodes that bring me down to a needlepoint of absolute terror. And it seems like they are happening more often than before, and are more intense. Before I got on the Zoloft, the depression was more 'in-my-face' than the anxiety. But now that I feel so much better in regards to the anger and sadness and hopelessness, the anxiety is back at full force, which in turn is making the depression creep back in.
On top of all of this, I'm a hypochondriac, meaning if I feel a pain in my leg, my first thought is not 'What did I bang into now?" it's "I need to get to the nearest hospital stat because this could be a blood clot, and if it travels to my heart or lungs, I will DIE." It's a chain reaction: the first thing will lead to the ultimate last thing- death.
All of this is very, very exhausting.
I discovered that my blood pressure medication, when combined with the Zoloft, brings my blood pressure down too low. I get lightheaded and dizzy, feeling faint, and just generally feel unwell. So I've been taking half a pill instead of a whole pill, because those symptoms when combined with the hypochondria was setting off the panic attacks. But being unable to monitor my BP (my arm is too fat for the reader at the grocery, and until Friday I don't have the money to buy a home monitor), I was worried my BP might be getting too high. This has had me in a tizzy ever since I started taking half my dosage. I think all that worrying over it has increased my anxiety in general, which may be why I came home from work on the second day of training. I tried to ride it out, sitting in the bathroom, rocking back and forth in the handicapped stall and trying not to cry, doing my grounding and breathing techniques, and eventually deciding I couldn't get it together and needed to leave.
Last night, I went to the hospital after experiencing weird stomach issues all day. First it was the upper left quadrant, then the right too- dull achy pains. Later that night, it was sharp and stabby lateral pain from ovary to ovary. Doctor said I was constipated. I told him that didn't make any sense, that I'd been going more than usual and that the consistency of the stools were soft and mushy, but not quite diarrhea. He said the blockage is what was causing the lateral pain. I feel stupid for going to the ER over constipation but one half of my brain was telling me I was having bursting cysts within my ovaries or appendicitis, while the other half of my brain is telling me I'm a dork and probably just need to fart real hard. The hypochondria says 'If you wait, and it's really something, you could die!", the rational side of me says, "If it's nothing, and you go, you're a worry wart!" Constant battles inside my head.
Last night when I was at the hospital, I noticed my BP was doing fine, nothing at all to be concerned about. For whatever reason, I decided to take a whole pill last night since I seemed to be doing much better. I thought maybe I would be fine taking a full dose again. I was wrong. I woke up and took a few minutes to get myself ready to do any errands since it was going to be mega hot today. About half way through my list of things to do, I start getting that lightheaded/fainty feeling again. At the time, it didn't register to me that this was something that I'd experienced before. The hypochondria is worrying about the medication I'd gotten at the hospital the night before, wondering if maybe I was having a reaction to something, wondering if I was going to have a heat stroke (the Zoloft has made me VERY heat sensitive), wondering if any of this was going to make me pass out behind the wheel while driving home, killing me, my son, and anyone I may happen to hit. I was sick to my stomach that I wouldn't make it home. I drove 7 miles to grocery, because I can get 3 gallons of milk for the price of 1 just up the street, and when you're on food stamps, every dollar counts. I was in an absolute panic the whole way home. By the time I got in the front door, I was shaking with fear that I would pass out. I wanted to lie down on the cold floor and cry. But I had to get food from the van into the house, and then into the fridge, and then move the van off the lawn (the neighborhood association guy will call the police if you park on the grass for too long, we've had multiple tickets for this). I finally get everything put away and I immediately start checking my blood sugar, thinking I'm shaky because my sugar got too low. Then I remember I haven't taken my morning medication, then I remember I hadn't eaten yet today- then I remember the symptoms I had when I cut back on the BP medication and it was literally like flipping a switch. Like my hypochondria had an ah-ha moment and told the anxiety to lay off, that this was just a temporary thing and would let up if I went and laid down for about an hour.
So I changed into my pajamas after a snack and medication, laid down for about an hour, and did finally feel much better. While lying in bed, I was thinking back to about 15 years ago, when I didn't have panic disorder and had never had a panic attack at that point. How I was normal and nothing made me so terrified unless I was at a scary movie. I've played music and sang in front of lots of people, never had stage fright to the point I was trembling and scared like when I have a panic attack. What happened inside me to start all this? What change happened to kickstart this mess- and can I reverse it? Or was it always there and it just built up over time until it finally manifested into something I couldn't control?
So I'm sick, and tired (episodes like I had today take so much out of me...), and I'm sick of it all. I think some of the hypochondria will let up once I have my weight loss surgery and I start losing weight and getting healthier. Then again it could come with its own set of new symptoms- is my stomach incision leaking? Am I getting enough protein? Is my liver okay? I guess we'll have to see when the time comes. In the meantime, I think I'm going to go back to cannabis therapy now that I've got a good job and won't have to worry about drug testing. I'm gonna try edibles, because the oil is better for therapeutic reasons than smoking (although smoking is fun too).
I make no bones about being morbidly obese. My BMI is over 60, I weigh close to 400 pounds, and while I've been pretty healthy physically up until now, it's starting to take its toll. My knees are in constant and varying degrees of pain every day. My blood pressure is wonky. I worry about blood clots and embolisms because I'm sedentary. Recently I've added worry about sleep apnea to the list.
Mentally I'm not doing great either. I'm a chronic worry wart and experience random acts of panic for seemingly no reason at all at times. Sometimes, I have crippling, crushing episodes that bring me down to a needlepoint of absolute terror. And it seems like they are happening more often than before, and are more intense. Before I got on the Zoloft, the depression was more 'in-my-face' than the anxiety. But now that I feel so much better in regards to the anger and sadness and hopelessness, the anxiety is back at full force, which in turn is making the depression creep back in.
On top of all of this, I'm a hypochondriac, meaning if I feel a pain in my leg, my first thought is not 'What did I bang into now?" it's "I need to get to the nearest hospital stat because this could be a blood clot, and if it travels to my heart or lungs, I will DIE." It's a chain reaction: the first thing will lead to the ultimate last thing- death.
All of this is very, very exhausting.
I discovered that my blood pressure medication, when combined with the Zoloft, brings my blood pressure down too low. I get lightheaded and dizzy, feeling faint, and just generally feel unwell. So I've been taking half a pill instead of a whole pill, because those symptoms when combined with the hypochondria was setting off the panic attacks. But being unable to monitor my BP (my arm is too fat for the reader at the grocery, and until Friday I don't have the money to buy a home monitor), I was worried my BP might be getting too high. This has had me in a tizzy ever since I started taking half my dosage. I think all that worrying over it has increased my anxiety in general, which may be why I came home from work on the second day of training. I tried to ride it out, sitting in the bathroom, rocking back and forth in the handicapped stall and trying not to cry, doing my grounding and breathing techniques, and eventually deciding I couldn't get it together and needed to leave.
Last night, I went to the hospital after experiencing weird stomach issues all day. First it was the upper left quadrant, then the right too- dull achy pains. Later that night, it was sharp and stabby lateral pain from ovary to ovary. Doctor said I was constipated. I told him that didn't make any sense, that I'd been going more than usual and that the consistency of the stools were soft and mushy, but not quite diarrhea. He said the blockage is what was causing the lateral pain. I feel stupid for going to the ER over constipation but one half of my brain was telling me I was having bursting cysts within my ovaries or appendicitis, while the other half of my brain is telling me I'm a dork and probably just need to fart real hard. The hypochondria says 'If you wait, and it's really something, you could die!", the rational side of me says, "If it's nothing, and you go, you're a worry wart!" Constant battles inside my head.
Last night when I was at the hospital, I noticed my BP was doing fine, nothing at all to be concerned about. For whatever reason, I decided to take a whole pill last night since I seemed to be doing much better. I thought maybe I would be fine taking a full dose again. I was wrong. I woke up and took a few minutes to get myself ready to do any errands since it was going to be mega hot today. About half way through my list of things to do, I start getting that lightheaded/fainty feeling again. At the time, it didn't register to me that this was something that I'd experienced before. The hypochondria is worrying about the medication I'd gotten at the hospital the night before, wondering if maybe I was having a reaction to something, wondering if I was going to have a heat stroke (the Zoloft has made me VERY heat sensitive), wondering if any of this was going to make me pass out behind the wheel while driving home, killing me, my son, and anyone I may happen to hit. I was sick to my stomach that I wouldn't make it home. I drove 7 miles to grocery, because I can get 3 gallons of milk for the price of 1 just up the street, and when you're on food stamps, every dollar counts. I was in an absolute panic the whole way home. By the time I got in the front door, I was shaking with fear that I would pass out. I wanted to lie down on the cold floor and cry. But I had to get food from the van into the house, and then into the fridge, and then move the van off the lawn (the neighborhood association guy will call the police if you park on the grass for too long, we've had multiple tickets for this). I finally get everything put away and I immediately start checking my blood sugar, thinking I'm shaky because my sugar got too low. Then I remember I haven't taken my morning medication, then I remember I hadn't eaten yet today- then I remember the symptoms I had when I cut back on the BP medication and it was literally like flipping a switch. Like my hypochondria had an ah-ha moment and told the anxiety to lay off, that this was just a temporary thing and would let up if I went and laid down for about an hour.
So I changed into my pajamas after a snack and medication, laid down for about an hour, and did finally feel much better. While lying in bed, I was thinking back to about 15 years ago, when I didn't have panic disorder and had never had a panic attack at that point. How I was normal and nothing made me so terrified unless I was at a scary movie. I've played music and sang in front of lots of people, never had stage fright to the point I was trembling and scared like when I have a panic attack. What happened inside me to start all this? What change happened to kickstart this mess- and can I reverse it? Or was it always there and it just built up over time until it finally manifested into something I couldn't control?
So I'm sick, and tired (episodes like I had today take so much out of me...), and I'm sick of it all. I think some of the hypochondria will let up once I have my weight loss surgery and I start losing weight and getting healthier. Then again it could come with its own set of new symptoms- is my stomach incision leaking? Am I getting enough protein? Is my liver okay? I guess we'll have to see when the time comes. In the meantime, I think I'm going to go back to cannabis therapy now that I've got a good job and won't have to worry about drug testing. I'm gonna try edibles, because the oil is better for therapeutic reasons than smoking (although smoking is fun too).