Not feeling like myself at all lately
Mar. 13th, 2016 05:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sonjajadeSleeping isn't even a respite anymore because I've been having horrible nightmares. I stay keyed up and anxious all day, then panic in my sleep and have these dreams that make me afraid to sleep. I've had more hallucinations than I've ever had before just in the past two days. I can't wait to see the psychiatrist on Tuesday. I definitely need medication, but Exapro was not the right medicine obviously.
Let's talk about these dreams for a sec. I can't remember any of the ones before last night, just that I woke up in a cold sweat around 4am and felt like crying. Last night I dreamed that my son was sexually molesting me and my husband was filming it and selling it to people in China. Woke up at 4:30 (5:30 with the time change) and burst into tears because when I opened my eyes I could see spiders on the ceiling again and the weird after images that didn't make sense. There was a circuit board and more fingerprints, the other night it looked like christmas lights on the ceiling and the walls. I was also hearing things again, and this time it wasn't just in my bedroom, I was out in the kitchen. I thought I heard the cat jump up onto the island thing but when I looked no one was there with me at all, not even any dogs. For a split second, I actually believed I was dead.
Even though I was afraid to go back to sleep, I was so tired because I'd stayed up so late avoiding going to bed. I went back to the bedroom and laid down and fell asleep almost instantly. These dreams were worse. I was burying my best friend from grade school. He's divorced and his parents are both gone and his brother's stationed overseas somewhere, so I had to take care of funeral arangements. My son's godmother comes to the service and ends up taking everyone hostage, firing guns and shit at everyone and was asking someone to go and get her something from the office and no one would get hurt. So I go down there trying to get whatever it was she wanted and trying to discreetly tell the staff what the hell is going on without actually saying it because I thought she had followed me.
When I woke up I finally gave in and cried. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to die still. The spiders were still on the ceiling but as the room lightened from the sun coming up, they disappeared. No one was up and I just kept crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
This is just the sleep thing. This isn't even counting the weird headaches that don't actually hurt much, or the weird dizziness that comes and goes. Sometimes Walt looks at me like he understands what I'm going through, but then he does nothing to comfort me. This morning I really could have used a cuddle from someone. I didn't get even a pat on the back all morning before he went to bed.
Part of me thinks this might be hormonal. My mom went through menopause early (42) and she told me she started having issues in her late 30's. I'm 35 so maybe that's what's happening here. I feel so isolated and alone, even living in a house full of people.
Hey, did I tell you about the time I woke up from a nightmare and went to the bathroom and the cat followed me in there? I was convinced at the time that aliens had to be fucking with my head, because those after images, like when you stare at something for a while and you look away you can see the negative of it? Like stare at a white piece of paper and then look away at a blank wall and you'll see a dark spot. I thought the after images I was seeing were of my alien captors who'd been experimenting on me and my brain. And everytime I wake up thinking I've been abducted by aliens, the cat is right there by me. I was convinced that the cat was a spy and telegraphing my actions back to the mothership. For a brief scary minute, I thought about strangling him. The rational side of my consciousness was screaming at me to snap out of it but the crazy half was validating everything for me. I cried then too. There were spiders on the ceiling then as well.
Help.
Let's talk about these dreams for a sec. I can't remember any of the ones before last night, just that I woke up in a cold sweat around 4am and felt like crying. Last night I dreamed that my son was sexually molesting me and my husband was filming it and selling it to people in China. Woke up at 4:30 (5:30 with the time change) and burst into tears because when I opened my eyes I could see spiders on the ceiling again and the weird after images that didn't make sense. There was a circuit board and more fingerprints, the other night it looked like christmas lights on the ceiling and the walls. I was also hearing things again, and this time it wasn't just in my bedroom, I was out in the kitchen. I thought I heard the cat jump up onto the island thing but when I looked no one was there with me at all, not even any dogs. For a split second, I actually believed I was dead.
Even though I was afraid to go back to sleep, I was so tired because I'd stayed up so late avoiding going to bed. I went back to the bedroom and laid down and fell asleep almost instantly. These dreams were worse. I was burying my best friend from grade school. He's divorced and his parents are both gone and his brother's stationed overseas somewhere, so I had to take care of funeral arangements. My son's godmother comes to the service and ends up taking everyone hostage, firing guns and shit at everyone and was asking someone to go and get her something from the office and no one would get hurt. So I go down there trying to get whatever it was she wanted and trying to discreetly tell the staff what the hell is going on without actually saying it because I thought she had followed me.
When I woke up I finally gave in and cried. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to die still. The spiders were still on the ceiling but as the room lightened from the sun coming up, they disappeared. No one was up and I just kept crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
This is just the sleep thing. This isn't even counting the weird headaches that don't actually hurt much, or the weird dizziness that comes and goes. Sometimes Walt looks at me like he understands what I'm going through, but then he does nothing to comfort me. This morning I really could have used a cuddle from someone. I didn't get even a pat on the back all morning before he went to bed.
Part of me thinks this might be hormonal. My mom went through menopause early (42) and she told me she started having issues in her late 30's. I'm 35 so maybe that's what's happening here. I feel so isolated and alone, even living in a house full of people.
Hey, did I tell you about the time I woke up from a nightmare and went to the bathroom and the cat followed me in there? I was convinced at the time that aliens had to be fucking with my head, because those after images, like when you stare at something for a while and you look away you can see the negative of it? Like stare at a white piece of paper and then look away at a blank wall and you'll see a dark spot. I thought the after images I was seeing were of my alien captors who'd been experimenting on me and my brain. And everytime I wake up thinking I've been abducted by aliens, the cat is right there by me. I was convinced that the cat was a spy and telegraphing my actions back to the mothership. For a brief scary minute, I thought about strangling him. The rational side of my consciousness was screaming at me to snap out of it but the crazy half was validating everything for me. I cried then too. There were spiders on the ceiling then as well.
Help.
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Date: March 13th, 2016 09:44 pm (UTC)I rarely come here, but my facebook might die. LOL That would be no big loss. If it goes, I'll be here more often...maybe.
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Date: March 14th, 2016 03:28 am (UTC)