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 After I took Joey to school I came home and went back to bed, per the usual when I'm not working. Dreamed I was living in a really big house with the cast of the Trailer Park Boys (WTF seriously omg why). If you're not familiar, it's a way too real depiction of an average day in a trailer park. This takes place in Canada but it literally could be in any place because my dad lived in one JUST LIKE IT. Anyway, the 3 main characters are best friends since childhood, one is an orphaned guy with coke bottle thick glasses who lives in a shed with all the park cats and makes a living salvaging broken shopping carts. He's not mentally retarded or anything but he kinda looks it because of the glasses, he's actually pretty smart and level headed. Then there's Ricky, a foul mouthed, trigger happy, dope growing genius (but pretty stupid apart from growing dope). Very nice guy though if you're nice to him. Then there's Julian, a tall dark beefcake kinda guy who is all the time coming up with schemes to make big money quick and retire, which of course always involve the help of the other two.


This dream. Big house, all the people are there. We're eating dinner or something, I remember making a plate or putting it in the dishwasher, something. And then we're in a dark room watching a movie or TV, and I was embarrassed, but I said, "Do you guys mind leaving? I wanna fuck Ricky." Everyone looks at me like I've grown a second head. Julian says C'mon, don't be dumb, he's not even here, let's just watch the movie. But then he's sitting next to me, looking around and the next thing I know he's got his hand in my sleeping shorts. I remember being very surprised and like wtf, there's people all around and he just puts his finger to his lips and he's really trying to get me off, and before that happens I stop him and say loud enough for everyone to hear, "Can we go talk for a bit?" and he's like yeah sure, let's go, But before we go he asks Trevor for a condom and tells him he'll get him another one tomorrow and then we leave the room and make our way to his bedroom. I'm trying to pull my hair out of my face, so I bend over and try to put my ponytail on top of my head and I can't seem to gather it all up. And then we get to his room and there's posters of these skinny blonde chicks everywhere with beautiful perfect boobs and pretty asses and I give up on the ponytail and slump my shoulders and say "I'm sorry I can't."

"Why not?"

I point to the posters. "Because I don't look like that. I mean, you deserve something that looks like that, not like me."

He shakes his head. "That just pretty to look at. She's probably dumber than Ricky and half as sweet as you. Maybe you deserve this, did you ever think about that?" I shake my head, finally getting my hair to cooperate. "Y'know, Ricky fucks anything that moves, a free fuck is a free fuck to him. You're worth more than that."

"But I can't do much if we do this. I'm too big, I can barely walk-"

He flexes his arms and says "And I can bench press more than your weight. I don't mind doing all the work if I have to. Like I said, you're worth the effort. I wouldn't have fingered you and brought you up here if I didn't want to do this."

I looked out the window and I was trying not to cry because he was being so sweet and no one has ever spoke to me like that before, not even my husband. Then I asked him if we could just lay together for a little bit and listen to some music, he said fine. I asked if he was alright with the Mamas and the Papas, and he said yeah, Denny Doherty was practically from Sunnyvale (the show takes place in Nova Scotia, where Papa Denny is from), and I out one a song called "Look Through My Window". And then we just laid together in his bed, with that song on repeat. We never did have sex. My damn cat kept waking me up and I couldn't get back to it the second time she woke me up. My interpretation of it is that I am needing some snuggles and cuddles in my life, that I'm not worried about sex anymore so much as just someone to put their arms around me and tell me I matter. Who knows.

I haven't had a really memorable dream like that since starting the Zoloft. Pretty cool.


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September 2017


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